I say, thanks awfully for asking me to contribute

I, Sir Norman Nimby, know a thing or two about this parenting lark. I have had two sprogs of my own - Edmund, who is 42, and Rupert, who is 47. I think the best thing one can so with one's offspring is to get them straight into a decent boarding school as soon after conception takes place as possible. It's bloody impossible to raise decent chaps by sending them to state day schools - they will mix with all sorts of roughians, and they might even start voting Labour in adulthood. This just won't do.


Boarding school is good for building the character - endless weeks away from home will harden even the soppiest of child and will stop all of this namby-pambyism that these modern parents seem to go in for nowadays. There is nothing like cold salty porridge in the mornings to strengthen the constitution. All these bloody people who pander to their children's whims - letting them win at everything, spoiling them with toys, letting them have everything they want, showing too much affection - has led to a generation of the laziest, most work-shy and self-important prigs one has ever known. This is leading to political apathy, or worse, people voting for Gordon Brown's bunch of ineffectuals, and must be stopped immediately. This country needs more good quality fags and people who are excellent at Fives, not more long-haired greasos who are always plugged into their iSods, or whatever they are called, listening to turgid music by untalented imbeciles and who think the world owes them a job.


Parents, I implore you! Get little Johnny or little Jemima into a top quality boarding school as soon as you can. Preferably before they start walking.